Friday Evening: somewhere around 6 p.m.

I’m lying here in front of my computer experiencing a minor stream of conciousness. My thoughts are running like so:

  •  If I don’t get to writing I AM going to fall asleep here.
  • Should I write this? I don’t know. I’m not much for full disclosure.
  • I hope Douglas sleeps tonight. Please God, let him sleep. I need sleep.
  • Man, Doug is bald. Mr. Bald E. Butt.
  • Just because I write something doesn’t mean I have to hit publish.

This afternoon I cancelled a standing appointment that I keep every friday. I didn’t think I had the energy or the muscular strength to climb the stairs to the second floor. Sometime back toward Thanksgiving I started falling. Quite suddenly my legs became weak and I was losing my balance on a fairly regular basis.

Saturday Morning: 8:49 a.m.

  • I fell asleep.
  • Doug slept like a little lamb
  • Doug looks like a little lamb after his haircut yesterday.
  • I decided to try and go back to work today. So I will finish whatever I started up there later.
  • Right now I have ten things to put down for all to see and review!

TToT TIME!: 8:53 a.m.

  1. Doug got a haircut and bath and no longer makes me gag when I smell him coming my way.
  2. Douglas. Just Douglas. He is helping me keep my sanity through this time of immobility which is not in my nature to tolerate with any sense of grace.unnamed (17)
  3. I am eternally  grateful for a job in which I sit on my butt for the majority of the day so that when I do get up it is usually in a carpeted office space and falling is at a minimum.
  4. That at least one of my doctors has a brain in his head. NUFF SAID.
  5. That my insurance company, while problematic, is cooperating this month. NUFF SAID.
  6. For the love of IRL friends ( as Lizzi would call them) who check in and make me get out when I would prefer to hibernate and lick my wounds.
  7. For the sensibility of acceptance. Don’t have to like it, may have to accept it.
  8.  For as much as I self depricate, I truly think I tolerate the bullshit pretty well and for that I am thankful. I have been truly blessed with a decent b.s. meter and the ability to put things in their place.
  9. That I still view many as less fortunate than myself and haven’t converted over to complete whiny-assed idiot yet.
  10. That I have been able to write a bit more honestly in this new site and feel a bit freer to do so. (If You’re Reading This My Mother Must Be Dead)


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25 thoughts on “DISCLOSURE? I DUNNO…

  1. Douglas is adorable and totally does look like a little lamb! I got so caught up in the post about your mom and left a comment over there as well. It’s a great piece and I love the honesty in your writing. I wish you a wonderful week with good physical and emotional balance.


  2. Frist. Douglas looks quite the vintage Hollywood type with his new haircut. Glad he is your cuddly strength. Your fruitcake really impressed me. Writing real – I may have to go under the radar for that. Your post about your Mom was so real – women of that era, and all that. And you wrote it with such love. Glad the insurance is cooperating this month and I hope your feeling better every day.


    1. Doug reminds me of Asta in the Thin Man series whenever he gets this haircut! That cake is my Meme’s recipe.It was originally called poor mans cake ( it came about during the depression) because it has very few ingredients. I usually make it with dried fruit and organic ingredients. It just happens to be vegan as well ( I guess no eggs or milk because it wouldnt be a poor man’s cake if you had to include dairy during the 1930s). At Christmas I use the flourescent petrified fruit to satisfiy the fruitcake enthusiasts!


  3. I have found bullshitting is a way of coping. I have been told it is actually a fairly healthy way of coping.

    Wait a doctor with a brain and insurance working. What is going on! The sky is falling!!!


  4. I second Sarah. And if you choose to disclose more privately, well, we’re here for that as well.
    Mr. Bald. E. Butt – heh heh. Awesome. Pets can be such wonderful companions when we feel down and out. Somehow they just know what we need. I’m so glad you have that in Doug. Doug. Heh heh. Doug the Dog. I love it.
    I am as sorry as ever that you have to deal with the falling and immobility. While not on the same level, I absolutely understand. Some days I want to kick the shit out of myself for my lack of go-get-em. But then I remember my Grandfather’s words – there is always someone out there much worse of than you are. So far, that has always been true and I thank God for that.
    Doctors and insurance that are working the way you need them? Can’t argue with that!


    1. Also known as Mr. Pup E. Luv. Yes I am grateful he is around. It worries me that he is soooo old. I just want him to stay healthy and comfortable. Your grandad was a smart guy , yes? Thank God for my hemo-oncology guy …sometimes I swear the rest of the team is on intellectual sabatical. I just wanna spit some days or at least scream “ÜSE YOUR HEAD!”


  5. I am glad that you have good doctors and a cooperating health insurance this month. I cannot imagine having to deal with them in a way you have to. Douglas indeed looks like a little lamb, absolutely adorable. Enjoy your cuddels!

    I hope you have a great weekend, Ivy!!


  6. This was a great TToT list! Douglas looks spiffy (now there’s an old word)! And three cheers most definitely for jobs that work for us. Loving what you do? That’s awesome! “The sensibility of acceptance”… that’s a concept I’m going to have to learn as well.


  7. Didnt’ you hear, Miss Ivey? Full disclosure is all the rage this year! lol
    Ah. The Douglas. Isn’t he just at the root of all the best things:) Indeed a positive that he no longer makes you gag but he might not be overly fond of being referred to as a “lamb”. Don’t, whatever you do, let him read today’s post…..
    Be truthful Ivy – could you ever really turn into a “complete whiny-assed idiot”? lol Methinks not.


  8. Ahhh Ivy I’m so pleased you have this safer space where you can share the things you really want to. You don’t ever owe them, though, and I know you know that. I’m still gutted about your mobility issues and I really REALLY hope that whatever the sensible doc comes up with is a way to fix it.

    No-one would be able to accept it cheerfully, I don’t think, and you’re showing remarkable forbearance and you’re quite the inspiration. Promise. But I adore you even in your grumpier, grouchier moments, and I’m glad that I know you in whatever stage of whatever season of the moment you’re in.

    Knowing you has made my world a better place, forsure. I’m gladder than glad that you have Doug and your neighbours and IRL friends to make YOUR world a better place.


    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, I’m glad your insurance company is cooperating this month. The track record hasn’t been all that good, if I remember correctly. Now I’ve got a vision of a scarecrow singing, “If I Only Had a Brain.” I hope your doctor-with-a-brain can help figure out a solution to the mobility issues. How terribly frustrating it must be to have your body not do what you want it to do! I’m glad that Doug keeps you company (and even lets you sleep occasionally!)

    p.s. You are neither whiny nor an idiot, nor do I see you becoming either.


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