All of My Pets Have Lived in Ivory Towers – OR- Why I Consulted a Pet Psychic

  1. def– live in an ivory tower: To lead an impractical existence removed from the pressures and troubles of everyday life.
It’s come to my attention that I have confessed to a few long-secreted, embarrassing anecdotes since the inception of this blog. Today I will not veer from that path in cowardice! I have never had an animal who at the time of our meeting was not in need of rescuing. Saving animals gives one an inflated, grandiose sense of self. This attitude is often accompanied by a need to convince others that you haven’t made a colossal mistake. This in turn leads to a tendency to make one overly invested in said creatures.
scan0003Prime Example: I have long confessed how overboard I have become in making sure Douglas is happy and comfortable at the ripe old age of 135. Yes, I make his dog food, He sleeps on my bed, I have nursed him through long nights of demented “sundowning,” and suicidal ingestion of large amounts of chocolate.
100_1369Before Doug there was Zoe.
Zoe was 6 grams of curmudgeonly, cranky cockatiel that lived with us for almost twenty years. I am reluctant to say I “owned” Zoe or “had” Zoe, because to be honest, if I had to admit it, I think I was her bitch. As much as I loved her (and I did), Zoe was not a pleasant creature to be around. Most days she would hiss like Linda Blair on a bad day. She could turn her head clean around just like Linda did in The Exorcist–biting and hissing, spreading her eight inch wing span in a show of dominance.  I suppose when you have a can opener on your face you can be a little cocky. Zoe was a real challenge. That being said,  I now admit that our relationship more than once drove me to call upon the services of a Pet Psychic.

100_1787 Zoe had a habit of chewing the corners of whatever I was reading, leaving little trails of paper wherever I happened to be sitting. I noticed the year we moved to a new house that Zoe was no longer leaving a paper trail. She was still chewing paper but she seemed to be swallowing it, which is not good for a bird’s digestion.

I am often overly verbose about my animals. So I must have been relating my concerns to a ‘crunchy” friend who recommended I contact an acquaintance of hers who talked to animals.

“You mean like Dr. Doolittle?”

” Ahhhh, no, not exactly…she’s psychic and can talk to animals.”

” What? C’mon…”

” No, really! She really helped out with Mr. Bun-Bun!”

“Did you ever think that with a name like Mr. Bun-Bun his embarrassment may be pretty palpable?”

” Ok, make fun but you’ll be calling her. Here’s her card.”

Luckily I have no pride and called after a few more days of frustrated biting and paper eating. The session went something like this…

” I’ve never really talked to birds before…She kinda has a foul mouth. Do they all have an attitude like this?”

” I suspect not.” I said

Long story short the psychic said that Zoe was frustrated that I wasn’t as relaxed in our new home and it was making her anxious. She also said that I wasn’t reading enough now that we had a TV at our disposal, but if I agreed to read more she would agree to spit out the paper. Translation: It was all my fault.

My partner came home that afternoon to find a small paper trail falling around my shoulder as Zoe sat on the corner of my book.

He said, ” Hey, good she’s spitting it out again!”

“Yeah, she just started doing that this afternoon.”

Aviary Photo_130206655254779036

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27 thoughts on “All of My Pets Have Lived in Ivory Towers – OR- Why I Consulted a Pet Psychic

  1. Unbelievable and hilarious all at the same time. And you are just the best pet mom because I’m pretty sure if the Rotten Cats needed a shrink I’d say, “of course they do.” And that would be the end of it!

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      1. We had a hedgehog called big al at the group program I worked at. He became very ill I took him to the vet as everyone was just willing to let him die. He needed a few daily injections for a few weeks so he lived with us for that time and recouperated. He was nocturnal which was a bit much as Zoe was very pissy about being kept up all night with his noisy antics!

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  2. Wow! Your compassion knows no bounds. (Is that the actual expression? When I type it, it really looks funny.)
    That is quite an impressive pet therapist to figure out the mood of a bird.

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      1. no…
        (full disclosure-ette: Lizzi was the one who mentioned ‘wild alpha swans’…. and naturally the famous ‘Leda and the Swan’ painting came to mind… purely on the up and up, mind you Peter PaulRubens, not Paul Rubens… that would have been an entirely different (weird-assed joke/cultural reference)…

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  3. Here’s another reason why reading is better than watching television. And I can’t help but notice how dashing Douglas looks dressed in Napoleon like garb.

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  4. How I loved this, what a great smile generator for the night! Yes, we do go to amazing lengths to keep our critters happy and healthy. My children would tell you that the cats are far more spoiled than they ever were… and get away with far more, and I’d have to admit they are correct. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be a pet psychic and be able to decipher exactly what those little buggers are thinking when they do things that seem so very calculated? And of course their often questionable behavior is a direct result to our shortcomings as pet-parents. What child hasn’t blamed their parents for such things? :-)). I can’t wait to see what deep dark secrets you reveal next, Ivy!

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  5. I think you are perfectly sane and reasonable. But then I am a person who turns around and comes back upstairs because I forgot to say “good-bye, be good boys, mama loves you” to Teddy and Jack…who are cats.

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