A: BECAUSE I AM SO-O-O RESISTANT TO DOING IT!
I am at work sitting at my desk at times gazing out the window at the street below thinking ” No one would know or care if ya didn’t get to this today.” See there? ” …didn’t get to this today,” is blatant dishonesty of knowing full well I am in avoidance and if indeed I don’t “…get to this today,” I will not get to it again. So in the interest of not fooling myself at the very least… off we go…
Step 1. Last we met I had modified this one to be a change in overall behavior. I have to say I have been better overall, but not as good as I need to be about it. I truly don’t think I was aware enough of where I was messing up and now with some vigilance can change it further.
Step 2. I met with the person whom I have hired to help with the business end of going to private practice. We now have completed the lengthy paperwork and all the steps are in place for paneling with insurance, etc. I have an office space. I have verbally put out the word and have secured some referral sources. Now it is just a waiting period to hear from insurance companies and then write a note off to referral sources informing them of what panels I can take.
Step 3.The great household purging is complete and being maintained. My closet is still a walk in and my kitchen table is still able to be used for meals, et al. The process dug up some memories I have been struggling with for a bit, but overall a really good thing. Tseering’s birthday is next week and I suspect after it passes the anniversary date stuff will feel relieved and I can also purge my soul a bit more as well.
Step 4. Total success. The time off was necessary and well deserved. I am meeting the Brit next weekend and taking a bit more time at the end of the month. Maintaining this one is going to be the biggest challenge as health often takes priority in my ability to afford time off.
Step 5. The family is cool and still cordoned off in appropriately boundaried spaces.
Step 6. So this is what I wrote the last update: ” I am having more than a few issues with this step. I have to address some ongoing health stuff. Part of the goal is related to attrition of this faulty vessel I call my body … I am not good at not pushing… I need to find some way to tolerate the down time better. I am not only bored but feeling angry for when I must sleep or take down time.” Well be careful what you decide to bitch about or you may find more of it coming your way. I keep thinking back to when I had the great pleasure of meeting Kristi a few weeks ago and she said something like, ” Wow, you really are a closed book.” I have often been told this, as I think I am all “out there” and am painfully uncomfortable with it, only to find I’m not out there at all. Oh well. I’m ok with that, but let me fill you in a bit. I have a chronic blood disease that lands me on my ass in this place for short periods of time. I’m hitting the wall and quite fatigued of late and found out yesterday that I need to go back for a few steady treatments to recover. I’m ok with that on some level …. but as I said above… I’m not good with down time. I may be exhausted, but…some days it’s more like a bizarre paradox . Look! We have the same glasses!
What it all amounts to is I have to get better at getting better, or at least tolerating the maintenance of this body in which I live. I am happy to say my feet are recovering really well. Remember my fancy shoes? They were worth every penny as is all the athletic tape holding my arches up.
There was another part on the last update: Subsection a: ” I also have another part of this that I must commit to, and haven’t as yet as I don’t feel ready… I gotta get ready… So far this is my biggest stickler in the unsticking… I am just so fed up with the limits of this illness and body that I have become fairly intolerant of the constant “one more thing…” I would like to say I am working on it, but I’m not certain that I am. I may be just thinking about it constantly, and doing nothing to get my head space in a different place. This one needs work.”
I committed to this one right after I wrote the above… Maybe I just needed to hold myself more accountable? I don’t know. Either way . I am there. I have to change some dietary things that were already too complicated for my liking, but I have to do it to rid myself of feeling like I haven’t done everything I possibly can to get unstuck, so I will. It’s a real challenge and ongoing but so far, so good if you don’t count all the anger and resentment.
Step 7. I am trying to reconnect on some level with my faith and spirituality in general. I would like to belong to something more formal but recognize I am not yet ready to do so… so I will keep working on it and am actively doing that.
Step 8. The effing book. Still waiting on a few readers and then I hope to feel a bit more motivated to make the changes I think it needs. As far as I’m concerned, I have plenty of time for this one.
Step 9. Is maintaining that which I must. This whole project is an exercise in step 9. So is Doug and his health. He is doing fine. We took him off the cognitive diet as it was making his stomach upset. Otherwise he is cool… He is my best boy… He is … DOUG… The car I must also maintain as I cannot afford a new one… It is now at 201,000 miles and gaining. Whew!
Doing this review was really good for me because it let me see I HAVE been working hard at this… BUT, …Let’s just make this an even 10 shall we? I am grateful for the progress I’ve managed to feel in the “great unsticking of 2015,” for all the support I’ve received around it. I am also really happy to see so many folks taking part in Josie’s brainchild of Six Sentence Stories… It was always one of my faves when she hosted it, and I’m so grateful she lets me do it as it’s even more so for me now… The cue will be up on Sunday. See ya then!