You Mean to Tell Me You’ve Been Consciously Writing This Stuff???

That IS what Stream of Consciousness means right?

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I started with pen and paper today when I had a cancellation at work. I didn’t bring the laptop with me. I would never make it as a superhero, and I was kicked out of Brownies by the Den Mother who (waaaaaaaaaaaait for it) was my mother. So I never made it to Girl Scouts. I like to think I come by being unprepared naturally.

It says: When I was a kid in Catholic School, penmanship was a valued commodity. I was fascinated by the typewritten “G” and taught myself to write it habitually. I just noticed I don’t really use it any longer. (HaHa)

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I want to be able to honestly say I wore out the words ” I love you.” 

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A good friend said something to me about aging today. He said that as he ages he realizes he is now at a stage that something could happen (an accident or he could lose his health) that would leave him disabled, or not able to control his own circumstances. BY FAR this is the MOST frightening thing to me about having a chronic form of Cancer. FINALLY! Someone understands what I have been saying for years. I mean really FEELS it-not just “gets it.” You would think this would give me some comfort. Ironically, it makes me feel really sad because I know how badly (panicky, terrified, saddened) I feel about my potential to become disabled to the point of not being able to remain independent. I just want him to feel okay. I know he’s worried. Makes me sad.

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An entry in one of my online files reads ft ck .Needless to say it means fruitcake recipe. At least that was what was there when I opened it up.

Why has fruitcake gotten such a bad wrap?

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My noon appointment cancelled so I went out for a walk. The difference between walking up North St. verses walking up South St. (which is just a continuation of North) is night and day. North St. slaps you in the face with a host of characters straight out of the canvasing-the-neighborhood-scenes of the original Law and Order (you know the one with Lenny Briscoe).There’s the old guy (who I suspect is not that old, but has that wrinkled  wizened looking face)and his pekingnese on the scooter, with the POW flag , a cup holdr and ashtray attachment, stopping to chat with anyone who’s willing. I am, he’s a sweet guy. The people trying not to look like they’re selling drugs at the bus station. Money is visibly changing hands…just because it happens below the waist doesn’t mean it’s invisible. There is also the occassional guy in a suit coming out of Juvie Court, followed by guys in low slung jeans, and very white sneakers, with baggie jackets and baseball hats. Then there’s South St. which is just the difference of a four way intersection where North changes into South. It doesn’t even change direction. You probably won’t see anyone walking at all. If you do they will most likely be professional looking. It’s as if there’s some sort of invisible force field at the end of North St.

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Lately Doug has been keeping a “hand” on me whenever he falls asleep.

So , this stream thing extends itself to stupid captioning as well:

See you soon! Hopefully I will be writing more soon… Thanks for humoring my random rants in the mean time. 🙂