This was the first five minutes Joulie and I spent together. She has now officially been here for two months. She has been witness to my worst moods ( well okay, as they are now…nothing like they used to be) over the past two days. I have to wonder why she doesn’t worry that there’s been a mistake. I have had a baaaaaad case of angst the past two days and the poor thing is still trying to learn “inside voice” and “no kisses.” I haven’t been exceedingly patient with her about it, luckily she has been with me.
So if you have read anything here over the past few years, you have witnessed the “Great Unsticking.” It was a personal goals project that I had put on a two year timeline with multiple goals to be met, revised as needed and maintained. If you recall I had done a vision board to keep myself on track. I have kept up all of the goals I met to date. Yes, my walk in closet still lives up to the name “walk in.” My kitchen table is currently not clear because I am working on Christmas gifts and it is my only work surface. It is incredibly organized though! I did maintain my car until I was gifted another one! How lucky am I? I also maintained my boy, Skip until it came time to assist him to the next level. He died in July and Joulie is trying to fill some big shoes. I had also vowed to open my private practice back up and it has been officially up and running a year this month. I am currently thinking about expansion, but haven’t ventured in yet as I have other things on burners that need attention first. I took time off to address my health, but it needs work after last years car accident and some other stuff…more about a revision on that one later. I had some goals around money that are slow, but starting on course now. Family was another goal and I can honestly say that when I have fallen off track I am more quickly able to regroup into a frame of compassionate boundary setting which helps both me and them.
On the larger front, has always been my spiritual life. To date I haven’t discussed my work toward this goal or even the source of the problems, other than to say it needed work. None the less, kind and generous spirits stepped up to help me on the journey. They helped immensely and I so value their continued support and friendship. I can’t stress that enough. The only reason I was able to continue on what has been a painful and confusing journey is because of that generous support. And a tough journey it has been and I’m sure will continue to be. If I am to acknowledge all that I have decided to accept in the past few days, it is probably that my path was intertwined with a man who would die young and valiantly for some reason that I needed to understand. I was fortunate to have the Karma to meet and spend fifteen years with him, but I have been drowning in anger and grief since he disappeared. Not only would he not want that, but I’m pretty sick of it too. At that time I lost my spiritual path. He and I both were working toward a path of enlightenment. Granted I have modified concepts of Buddhist principles that he was far more devout about, but it was a place for me that was full of hope and direction. A place that brought me closer to God. I haven’t had those in years.
Another thing I have decided I need to stop railing against is that people feel they can approach me. I never understood why this happened and I still don’t, but I do know that chance meetings as such are part of some of the more poignant moments in my life. A recent chance meeting is attributable to this new-found sense of direction. In talking to this person we realized what we had in common was the path he was on, and the one I left behind. In allowing me to ask questions of him he expressed such sincere gratitude for his current path that it rekindled some of my old hope. It allowed me to realize I had been searching to get my spirituality from the places it originated in childhood, instead of where I had always felt the greatest acceptance.
I had been avoiding going back to the more successful path because I wrongly felt betrayed by it after the loss of my partner and the fall out it caused in the community in which we worshipped. If I am to be honest, we all missed the boat on that one, as we were all suffering and missed an opportunity to help each other with transforming our suffering into something more useful. What can I say, we’re all human.
It’s time to revise the “Great Unsticking.” Most of the revisions will fall under the category of this rediscovered path. I need to purge my anger in order to move forward. That includes anger toward the universe and this body in which I live.
I have spent the last two years in a barrage of medical uncertainty and have grown to hate this body because it feels as though it’s constantly committing treason. But I need to realize that it’s not separate from the rest of me and it’s doing the best it can with what it has. I still have some hefty medical decisions to make and would like to be able to make them from a place of caring about what happens to this body versus feeling defeated by it.
I would like to once again live a more active spiritual life in which suffering is transformed into something productive. Im grateful I didn’t let meditation or gratitude go completely by the wayside.
That’s the update. This project started in March of 2015. I assume it still has a ways to go.
Im megagrateful all around.